Monday, September 24, 2012

Coming Through the Brokenness with Jess @ My Little Mustache

Today I bring to you my new friend Jess.  Jess blogs over @ My Little Mustache. She humbles me with her bravery in speaking of HARD things and encourages me beyond her realization.  I promise you that you will love her soul as much as I do. 

PS:  She's also generous!  She's giving away an ABSOLUTELY BEYOND ADORABLE item from her shop!!!

Thank you so much for being here today girl!

I worked in full time ministry a little over five years and left when I became pregnant with Judah. During those years I poured my heart and soul into my work. Made sure everything was done with “excellence” and made sure people “knew they mattered to God”. I shared my heart with my co-workers and friends but I always had trust issues and felt like I was the black sheep in our flock. One of the reasons why I felt like I didn’t belong was because I came from a very dysfunctional family. Growing up my father was extremely physically and mentally abusive towards us, he spent time in jail for robbing a bank and my mother abandoned us our whole lives.  When she was around we had to try to talk her out of cutting herself. But the main reason why I felt like an outcast was because I came to know the Lord after I had an abortion when I was 17.  When I was pregnant I was dating an abusive boyfriend and when he and his brother found out I was pregnant they both beat me up until I agreed to have an abortion.  This broke me and although I accepted the Lord into my heart a year after I had my abortion I always felt like part of me was untouchable, ruined and I hated myself for not being strong enough to say no to these guys and I was upset that the Lord gave me these hurtful parents.

I thought my years of working in ministry would have helped heal my heart and would have prepared me for when I got pregnant with Judah, our sweet little honeymoon baby. What I wasn’t prepared for was the isolation from the people I used to work with and from people who I thought were dear friends. We fell through the cracks. The people I thought would be there for us were just to busy making sure others knew they mattered to God. So I fell into the darkest depression I’ve ever experienced and since I was already working through some childhood issues with my therapist I started to get angry with God and I wanted nothing to do with Him. Every Tuesday night as I sat in my car outside of my therapists office I would cry and scream to God “its unfair that I have to work through this crap, I didn’t ask for a mother and father that didn’t want me and I don’t know why people abandoned me, I am so angry with you”.

Over the past two years of struggling with hurt and abandonment from the church and some believers I’ve come to realize is:

Summum Bonum. God is the highest good.  Psalm 119:68 “you are good and do good” The Lord is good, therefore all he does must be good no matter how it looks and honestly I can’t wait for the day when I can see the full picture. Right now I can only see my past and compare that to what is going on right now. But if I fill my head and heart with the word I am able to clearly see that God is good and has a reason for what I am going through.

I have to trust on Gods truth long enough until it becomes a belief system in my heart. Then I will be able to automatically act and think in the light of His truth. Psalm 43:4 “Oh send out Your light and Your truth, let them led me; Let them bring me to Your holy hill and to Your dwelling places. “

During the time of healing when your heart is grafting to Christ’s heart and your not fully healed from past trauma. If a believer hurts you it doesn’t mean the entire church has abandoned you. It just feels that way. Trust that the Lord will not only wipe your tears away and heal your broken heart but also trust that He will bring the right people into your life to encourage you on your walk. Joshua 1:5 “I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you.”

When I am feeling broken and wounded, when the air can’t fill my lungs fast enough and past regrets try to cling to my soul like old mold. I have to remember that no one and no issue can ever snatch me from Gods hand. John 10:28 “I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. “

Altered in my brokenness
In the light of Your divine love
Faithful you are in righteousness
Although afflicted I look to you above.
-written by Jess West Judkins

It has taken me two years to fully want to open my heart and immerse myself in fellowship with Gods people.  In these two years I’ve learned that God has allowed these hurts to come my way, that they have changed my heart so I am able to cling onto Him more instead of trusting what His people do and think of me. All I have to do is remember He is good, trust in His truth long enough so it becomes a belief system, just because a believer hurts you doesn’t mean all believers are bad and know that nothing can take me away from His loving hands.  God will bring the right people into our lives at the right time. He has allowed me to pull away for a season to wrestle with Him as he heals my heart.

Thank you so much for being here today girl!  I am appreciative of your openness.  I KNOW you've blessed me and I don't doubt how many others you've blessed too.

How stinking CUTE are these items from her shop?????  

YOU can WIN one of them by entering below!!!  

THANK YOU SO MUCH for your generosity Jess!!!  

a Rafflecopter giveaway


  1. SO nice to meet you Jess! Glad i stopped by Kelly's blog today! What you wrote is So timely for me as I am going through some things emotionally with important ppl close to me...I want to trust in God fully, but i see how i have been hesitant before. I KNOW that God has the power and He alone, to heal my heart and in that ME coming closer to Him for His glory--that's where i choose to believe daily--though daily effort takes work and is not easy! Trying not to care or seek approval from others is hard, even if that approval is from your own family---God's opinion is most important!

  2. first time i read through your (jess) story... my heart is so touched. sometimes, actually alot of times those questions we have as to "why?" stuff happens has to remain in Gods hands and we simply have to trust that he IS good..

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